When I first showed this to a friend she immediately exclaimed, “Why the hell would you make a picture of an adult zebra ironing a baby zebra?!”

Wow. 

Contrary to her speculation, I don’t actually endorse animal cruelty. 

So here is a picture of a zebra ironing his OWN coat because he WANTED to. This zebra doesn’t have any offspring and wasn’t forced into it by poachers. He simply lives and breathes domestic housework. 

You. Are. Welcome. 

I am still alive and kickin’

I write this post sitting in my batman underwear, eating Twisties and reflecting on the productive day that I did not have. I haven’t blogged in about three months and this is clearly the result. I AM SORRY. Sorrysorrysorry. 

But fear not! I will continue a regular blogging schedule which will give you theability to inhale a fresh dose of me ~On tHe DaiLy~

Oh, and If you’d like a little update/stalk into the current state of my life, I can also give you that too…

  • I start my second year of university tomorrow.  This means that I’ve A) allowed myself the entire day to paint my toenails a repugnant shade of orange, and B) pretend that I have obtained everything needed for academic success. As a result, I won’t actually get my degree, but at least I’ll be looking shit-hot in all my classes. Word. 
  • I literally have about three hours of jobs that I haven’t done and won’t do. These are all tasks that will take a total of 10-15 minutes and I’ve decided it’s much more logical to stretch them for 10-15 hours. 
  • After spending 5 hours downloading the newest versions of Illustrator and Photoshop, I haven’t left my house/had human interactions in about 56 hours now. Please don’t look at me, even my pet rabbit is disgusted and he can’t even talk. My bunny is a misunderstood creature; beneath his raging desire to verbally attack me and run away from home lies a gentle animal just begging for carrots. SO. MANY. CARROTS. 

As you can imagine, I’m not exactly at my best at the moment, but, then again, I’m not exactly at my worst so feel free to ask me ridiculous and philosophical questions about life. I’ll do my best to answer them all..in one go… using Webdings as my font of choice. 

Ta! 

Resplendent.

I swept my body today
as I dusted your touch from my skin.
I tried to forget your scent.
I tried to forget our hymn.
I banned you from my lips.
I told you I’m okay.
I promise I will colour
the things that you’ve left grey
in every shade of pastel

In the most resplendent way.

Here’s to 2014

Here’s to a new year

resolutions we won’t keep,

secrets we’ll forget

and fingers in the sheets.

Here’s to summer

the days that I’ll forget

the heat, the waves, the insects,

the kisses I’ll regret.

Here’s to us.

Here’s to the story we will start.

I cut my soul in two

and now I want to gift you half.

Smut

Do you love the way she tastes glossy like paint?

Or like synthetic colours as you flip and twirl

your fingers through her

photographs in that magazine

that you swore you’d never look at

and now you’ve clearly seen.

She’s on your screen.

Eyes as fake as the scream

she gives in the scene.

Breasts enlarged

and barley even eighteen.  

You’re a machine.

And you’ve been programed to believe:

beauty is only skin-deep

and it can only be achieved

with pulling and plucking;

with waxing and fucking.

Let’s just call it naïve.